Why my ambitions suck

8.4.2008
My mother says that I ought to have good comminucation skills. The drawback: I hate communicating. My most intimate conversation with my comrades generally consist of my over-inflated opinions against society.

The Mater: You might become a lecturer.
Me: What? No way! I can't address 40 people in a class.
And, besides, you can't do ANYTHING. That is to say, I cannot conduct my own research. Actually, my ambition is to be a revolutionary academic. I would like to be involved in the highest literary circles.

My warped parent believes that I ought to do engineering, architecture, law, as long as it is professional. It is no longer a question of my beliefs or likes: it is a question about my reputation.

Reply: You can go and flush yourself in a government-sponsored lavatory.

Well, I didn't say that. And I do like a reputation. But it must be something I am good at and devoted to.

when I was in Form 3, my mum wanted me to go to the Arts stream because "you'd be top there." Damn dumb. Science is my favourite subject. Am I to compromise my beliefs for a NUMBER ONE POSITION? And besides, my friends went to the Science stream. Science also happened to be my best subject, apart from English. I hate History, Geography,
Accounts and anything to do with Commerce. I don't hate money; I just hate the study of money. If you belonged to my school, you would realise that a lot of the students in the "bad" classes are actually hooligans. I am not trying to be bigoted. I am only stating the facts. The best teaching of course is found in the Science. And many science stream pupils become lawyers. I cannot communicate with most people especially hooligans. I feel so awkward. When I say hooligans, I mean those "people" who act like monkeys setting laughing gas on the school. That really happened. Some hooligans are not bad. Particularly those with strong views on politics and support death and all tht stuff. But they are refined hooligans.

But to continue: I SAID I wanted to do law because I thought it was damned shameful not to have an ambition. so I simply said lawyer because my dad is one. Then when the arts-science issue broke out. I announced my intention to become a scientist.

It ws as though a nuclear bomb had fallen.

I am an idiot at finance. Every time my dad opens his mouth about finance, I feel terrible as I forget most of it. I didn't know what shares meant until I was about 13.

But it is my intention to be an M.Sc. in Biochemistry. I intend to rebel and rage out new ideas and start a Fabian Society. I wonder who knows what the Fabian Society did. Not many people in school do.

Of course, you can't get very far unless there's a demand in your field. I am not taking a professional course. I don't want to do any form of marketing. I want to be a researcher and you need money for that. To be a professor - my greatest dream - you must be a lecturer. which is dead boring. I want to write scientific articles and retire sufficiently well-off to do a literature course.

I am so inactive in co-curricular activities I can kiss goodbye to a scholarship. I wonder how much a Grade 8 music cert. helps ....

All right, ALL RIGHT. My REAL ambition is to be a literary figure and a Gentleman of Letters, whatever that means. But you can't make money out of it. I haven't even won a literary competition. And how can I get a job? And the available option is teaching which I hate unless it's a small group. I wouldn't mind teaching English Lit. SPM next year after my SPM but I must do A-Levels. I haven't even published a novel or review and my novel is only like 20pages thick!!! It deals with repression, intellect. awakening in 1910 and who reads that stuff anyway?

My ambitions suck. But I love literature and science, so I don't care. Anyway, it's unusual to be an academician compare d to a professional so people will sit up straighht when or if I finally become one. Dream on!!!