A play about Julius Caesar

Cassius (moans): I hate Caesar. He bugs me. He’s such an annoying creep.
Brutus (solemnly): Of course, my dear. Caesar’s a bugger.
Cassius (shocked): Eh? I thought you loved me!
Brutus: Yes, but I love Rome even more, and Caesar rules Rome. So it is more honourable to love Caesar.

Brutus (passionately): O Cassius, though I do wreck dishonourably to Rome, the love I bear for thee compels me to this tempestuous deed.
Cassius: O honourable Brutus, I do apologise
Yet honour forces my tongue to speak:
That I am Caesar’s lover, so blame me not, stainless Brutus.
Brutus: But art thou a bugger? Thou say’st thou art STAINLESS!
Cassius: Indeed, great Brutus. I am not such an ass [idiot]
As to retain the contaminating evidence
Upon myself. Thus, I have washed
The blood-stains from my purple robe.

Brutus: Thou art unfair! Thou never granted me a chance to murder Caesar!!!
Portia: Thou dirty bugger! It’s against nature!
Brutus: Of course it is natural, my dear. Having dissected Caesar, my hands are dirty with his blood.
Cassius: My dear Portia, of course it is not against nature. We are staunch environmentalists. Caesar merely pollutes the environment we live in with his tyranny and stinking presence.
Brutus: Here are Caesar’s intestines. I bid you, Portia, cook them for us.

Exeunt.

Rome is swarming with a sea of buttocks. They waggle as Caesar passes by.
Brutus: I understand it not. They wear no clothes.
Caesar: Oh, that is a new form of salute I commanded them to perform when I pass by. Creative, do you think not?
Brutus: Er … it’s certainly minimalistic.
Caesar: Precisely. I cannot bear the elaborate puffery in royal salutes. This is more natural and minimalistic.