julius caesar (contiued)

Caesar: Antonio mio, I suspect that there’s a conspiracy against me. Let’s have a party and get them drunk so they’ll spill the beans.
Antony: Ay, Caesar. Allow me to give tongue
That the potion of slumber should flood
The vials of these traitors. Let us summon
The man of science. Let us go.
Exeunt.

Antony: Hey doc, gimme a vial of truth serum.
Doctor: Why? I can’t make much money out of this, you know.
Antony: Oh, Caesar wants the villains to blurt out their wrongs.
Doctor: Aren’t you going to tip me?
Antony: Certainly not, knave.

Doctor growls. He is determined to pay revenge, so he slips in laxatives instead.

Doctor: Here you go. (whispers) Skinflint!

So Caesar and Antony spike the food and drink of the conspirators.
Caesar(crossly): They do not fall drowsy.
Antony: It will take time to work.

Cassius groans in pain.

Caesar grins. “Good!” He rubs his hands.
Cassius: Excuse me, gentlemen, I must use the washroom.

Antony (hissing): Cassius and Brutus say they want to use the washroom. I bet you they want to discuss their conspiracy there!
Caesar: Block the lavatories!

So the guards are installed outside the toilets.

As they cannot use the toilets, Cassius heads straight for the kitchen. He picks up the cooking pot and defecates immediately.

Brutus moans like a wild beast. He goes to the kitchen and defecates in the sink.
The cooks are alarmed.

Capurnia rushes in angrily.
Calpurnia: You beasts of filthy nature that contaminates
The urns of victuals that feed
Thy master and myself. What say’st thou to that?

Caesar enters and moans.
Caesar: For crying out loud, I’m furious with you. Why do you do it in the kitchen? Why couldn’t you have done it in the garden instead? My roses are DYING.

The gardeners come to scoop the poop.

Antony: The gardens will bloom this summer. You’ll have the finest roses in Rome, Caesar.

Meanwhile, as the poop got inside the pot without the cooks knowing, they serve the lentils to the guests.
As a result everyone suffers from food poisoning and they think someone is conspiring to kill them off. Since it is at Caesar’s house they think it is Caesar. So everyone fights against Caesar.

Cassius: Psst! Portia! Here are the organs of Caesar.
I bid you, prepare a victual for our stomachs.
It has glimmered in my mind
That the best form of concealment lies in utter destruction
Of the bloody evidence. Hence, we shall digest
The constitution of Caesar for our peace.
Portia: I know. You already told me you planned to destroy Caesar’s laws.
Cassius: thank you, Portia. I suppose he’ll be boiling like mad that he’s cooked for consumption.


Portia: Ay, Cassius. Your dish is served.
Cassius: what is it?
Portia: I’m thinking of calling it Caesar’s salad.
And that was how Caesar’s salad became known as Caesar’s salad.